tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3129040568963894774.post2313502683264924920..comments2014-08-14T23:27:00.310-05:00Comments on Life of Sin: It is Hard to like Sex in AmericaTyRoy Washingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14875709035751260678noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3129040568963894774.post-43858363902092554182012-11-04T15:16:28.571-06:002012-11-04T15:16:28.571-06:00Part 3
And as for couples counseling, I'm not ...Part 3<br />And as for couples counseling, I'm not sure what the best idea is there, regarding what couples with differing sex drives should do. Therapists, and people in general, are taught to compromise, so they look for a medium ground. When it comes to sex, that's tricky because no one wants to say "You should have sex when you don't want to," because that sounds pretty rape-y. If both people compromise, their usually both unhappy and sometimes resentful, though it's harder to be resentful when the other person is unhappy too. If one person does all the giving and the other person gets what they want, the giver is always unhappy and resentful. At least as long as both people continue to look at the situation the same way. Dan Savage has an interesting take on the situation, " Here's what you should do instead: You commit to great sex at least once a week. He deals. But you also commit to making sure your boyfriend is thoroughly milked—with your cheerful assistance—three times a week. You commit to being his full-blown sex partner once a week and his life-size, ambulatory masturbatory aide at least three times a week." Rest of the post here: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/09/05/sl-letter-of-the-day-ambulatory-masturbatory-aideAvaAlsohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03057382213401831276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3129040568963894774.post-46263578552703207112012-11-04T15:15:53.976-06:002012-11-04T15:15:53.976-06:00Part 2
I think the bigger problems are tied up in ...Part 2<br />I think the bigger problems are tied up in our culture. Just like almost everything in our culture, it does create an unrealistic ideal of what people look like and how sex happens. It's an easy out to say that adults know that it is just fantasy, as much as romantic comedies are fantasies, and no one should base their expectations on that. But that isn't how life works. Also, most of us don't start watching porn when we're an adult. There's a scare statistic that says the average age people are exposed to porn is 11, but a recent study says that it is still 14, which is unchanged from previous generations and an age appropriate time to be curious about sex. On the other hand, what a 14 year old can see online for free is much different from what a 14 y/o in previous generations could see in their dad's dirty mags or even his vhs pornos. Fourteen year olds don't know that you should do foreplay to get the woman in a better place for sex or that you can'd just slam a dick in an asshole with no prep. Straight men of my age group and younger seem to expect all their female partners to be either completely shaved/waxed or mostly shaved/waxed and what little hair might be there to be groomed to death. Yep, just as soon as you shave/wax your balls the same amount, buddy. I didn't know that most real women don't have "clean-looking" (bleached) assholes and no fat on their mons until I was with a thin lesbian who complained that she didn't have any fat there, no cushion, who told me all about those porn tricks. Of course porn uses tricks, just like all advertising and modeling and movies, but because porn is hidden, we don't have anyone talking openly about the tricks that they use and how unrealistic it is, especially to younger people. <br /><br />While I agree that it would be nice to have more sex positive people, I think that the real problem is that we don't have a sex positive culture. We don't have a culture were we can talk without shame in an age appropriate way about informed enthusiastic consent between adults (or same-aged people), about how to have sex, all kinds of sex, in a safe and healthy manner, how to educate ourselves about all kinds of sex. We can't talk to our kids about the unrealistic expectations set up by porn because we can't even address the fact that they are masturbating in the first place. We can't have healthy discussions about it in straight couples so that (usually) the woman can understand that her male partner doesn't love or desire her less because he rubs a quick one out by himself because our monogamy-focused culture has taught her that it means he wants another woman, which is obviously forbidden. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.AvaAlsohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03057382213401831276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3129040568963894774.post-30083932347186365632012-11-04T15:15:06.274-06:002012-11-04T15:15:06.274-06:00I am probably going to regret wading into this arg...I am probably going to regret wading into this argmument but I will anyway.<br /><br />I like to think of myself as a fairly sex positive person but, despite using it, I do think that the current crop of mainstream visual hardcore pornography can be problematic. I don't think this means it should be outlawed or that people who use it should be shamed or punished over it. First I'll answer to what you put in your post, then I'll add anything else I find problematic.<br /><br />Drug use: This isn't an argument that I would make against porn, but I think there are some differences between porn and music that don't make your example quite work. Music had been around for centuries before hardcore drug use became problem a large percentage of musicians faced. Even with that said, I'm sure that there was an argument against psychedelic music in the 1960s because the music and the musicians were associated with drug use. <br /><br />Of course the real difference is that most of the opponents you're talking about are religious and know that music can be used for good or bad, to uplift and to corrupt. I'm sure that they are against music that talks about sex and drug use. On the other hand, they don't see porn as having any positive side, so drug use by the actors and actresses is just another reason against it. <br /><br />To me, what is problematic in the drug use, both in the porn industry and the music industry, is that many people drawn to both of these professions are tortured by past traumas and/or other mental health issues. Then, they use booze or drugs to self-medicate, to deal with both the trauma/issues and the way that they feel doing what they're doing. But as long as they can still perform, there are people counting on them to still do this job, which they might not do if they had the help needed to clear up those traumas/issues. Often, there is a greater incentive for those around them to just manage their drug/alcohol use than there is for those people to get them the real help that they need. There are plenty of musicians who's music went to shit once they got clean and some who got out of it altogether. I'm sure that the same would happen for some porn stars. I think that many people in the industry, not just the people making the movies but the agents and such, desire money-making stars who look good, which is not the same as being healthy. This is often true of most industries.<br /><br />I agree with you on the STD thing. The major porn companies have pretty strict policies about that and require testing, though I'd honestly like to see more companies that use condoms in their scenes, for reasons I'll get into further down. AvaAlsohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03057382213401831276noreply@blogger.com