Monday, October 20, 2008

Stepping Lightly

Most of our lives are spent stepping lightly and lively through the minefield that is/ are relationships. We all put so much stake into these relationships, to include friendships around relationships. It is a wonder more people don't step right on a mine and lose vital organs, so to speak.
I got divorced earlier this year. Besides all the stuff, material possessions, that I lost, I lost a lot of pride. My ex tried to accuse me of some heinous things based of non existent accusations. Basically, I am a badperson because I like pornography. Dirty man that I am [and I guess so isanyone other man that has ever looked at porn, I truly pity the guy after me]. Anyway, she failed and the truth prevailed in one respect. But in another, I lost a big part of me in that fight. A part I will never get back.
Then I started two ill fated relationships. One that is still dragging on despite my efforts to end it. And the other is a friendship that I hope can last. I say hope because; I have trouble with friendships the more I move, the farther I get away.
With the second woman, I so much wish that we could have had more.We both had trouble living up to each other's expectations. I blame timing because we could have worked just not right now. But I am so happy just to know her. And to know that women like her exist. There are so many other issues with her though that I am not going into. But, we both want to try and stay friends. It is just a matter of doing things differently then say the TV show "Friends". I think we will keep in touch though. I hope so anyway.
I have other distractions. Mainly, the ambition to start doing other things that are outside a primary relationship. That might be a hard sell off the bat of a new relationship. So, not only was I having problems trying to figure out how to do those things. I am not going to be able to even trythem for the rest of this year. Unless I find the coolest girl in the world.Or I go to Borneo [inside joke there].
So I am going to step into this minefield my way but, I am not evensure what I am doing. I really would like to meet someone that I could fall in love with. But, in the end, as long as I have someone to go to a work function in December with, I will be cool.
I have thought long and hard about whom I should be dating. I havecome to the conclusion that dating a lesbian who has an exception [or may be acception] policy for sleeping with me would be ideal. I would be her fuck buddy. She could have me and a girlfriend. Better if we would share one. I am quite serious about this hypothesis despite my chicken shit nature of actually trying to execute it. I am a chauvinist pig but even I have limits.
Now I have flirted with the very real prospect of asking a co worker out. There are three co workers who are "viable" candidates. The first, I have joked with the "second woman" that I should ask because I am pretty sure she is a lesbian. The second co worker is the woman I am probably closest with and we would have a good time together. But I am not sure if she is in a relationship. And also, perfectly for me, she might be a lesbian too. But for this second woman, I would be more than happy to be her beard. And the last woman I am almost certain is heterosexual and would date me, or at least the me that she thinks that I am.
With the last woman particularly, but also in any office relationship, I have a well seeded minefield. Since I am a pervert, prevert and generally just a sexual person; the more that becomes known to people in the office, the harder my job becomes. My ex tried to spread that information out to as many people as could, classy huh? But anytime you bring your sex life, in any fashion, into the workplace, you could have problems. Actually, just I could have problems. And those are problems I don't want.
So I am going to look elsewhere.
I am not going to use any of the online dating sites. There is one good reason, the aforementioned preversion that I quite frankly don't want to hide anymore than I already do. I have healthy sex drive that I want to share with a woman. And from the commercials I have seen, I don't think that those websites cater to a guy like me. I wouldn't make it on e-harmony or chemistry or match or any of them.
I don't and won't go to bars to troll for women.
It leaves me little recourse. But I do have a couple different courses of action to proceed with.
So what now? Now I once again have to get over my own bitchassness[Thanks Diddy] and at least start looking.
I have treaded lightly so far. I have answered a couple of adsposted by women. Not one of them has been fruitful so far.
So when am I going to take the big leap? Hopefully in time to tryand line up a date for this weekend. That is the desire. But, I am not sureI will meet that deadline. I really just need a pep talk. Someone who I respect who can get me past my aforementioned bitchassness [Though I respect Diddy enough to take his made up word, I don't think he is motivating enough in this arena. Remember, he has never been married. And he has seven kids with four different women, I believe. He is not a good role model in the relationship department. Hell. He lost J. Lo to Mark Anthony. That is some relationship bitchassness.]
Alright, well I will update if there ever is anything to update.Instead of writing this I should have done what I needed to do, post something. I am afraid of failure. And you can't smoke a quitter. But, I will try. I know I will. Why? Because it is truly what I want in life. And quitter never gets what they want.


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