Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My happiness is still out there

I have had some pretty bad relationships here of late. [Mind you, this is all in perspective. No one has hit me or rape me or anything life changing like that. This is really just whining because, I could have it a lot worse.] They have caused me to believe I am an emotional cripple at best. I am not putting my full self into any relationship. This does not bode well for my future. I am probably just going to continue to lose women, good or bad. But maybe that is my fate. And you know what, I will be fighting fate.
First there is my ex. She talked about being done and ready to move on. But, she didn’t file for divorce. I did. This was months after she was done. And after saying she was ready to move on, she made wild accusations and stories against me to anyone who would listen, my work, the state, the judge, anyone. How if she moved on?
I could go on. But what is the point? I am going to move on though.
Then there is a woman I tried to date. Big mistake. I tried to be friends with benefits which would have been truly beneficial because she has another person she is involved with who is not available right now. But she didn’t trust me at all. Not for a second. Then tried to say, despite having no trust, we should be together.
First it was for the doctor, which I found legitimate. Then my ex got in touch with. Then my ex got in touch with her again, two weeks later, ex really moved on huh? I know classy. I am not sure the last three times why she asked. Can you see a pattern? Lots of trust there. Lots to build on.
I am not the type of person to get questioned and still feel good about things. The first time, I answered and she didn’t get back to me for a while, but I played the spot. The second time, I was mad at my ex. The last four times, I was mad at her. And I was done that third time.
Now understand something. We never met one another outside of whatever home I was staying in. She came over, we spent time, and she left. Never even went on anything like a date or the movies or nothing. Is that someone you would fall for?
I wasn’t ashamed. I wasn’t afraid. But her involvement was supposed to be long term beyond our friendship. I tried to play within those rules. But she wanted to changes the rules part way through.
I got fed up with being constantly questioned about my “faithfulness”[I wasn't faithful, I did tell her about the people I was with. When you are with someone who is involved, that is about as faithful as I can manage]. I tried to tell her the deal but to no avail. I didn’t belong to her and generally didn’t want to. But, she wanted to believe that I was just cold hearted, which really I am; to believe I am a liar, which I am not, and believe I am a bastard, which is an insult to my parents.
Now, a month after I asked her politely not to contact me because her end of the contact had become attacks. Well today she sent me a bunch of pictures of what women had done to things [cars, boats, and other objects] of cheating husbands. Classy. Yeah that is something you send to your friend, right after you have stabbed them directly in their back I believe. She is a classic cyber stalker. Apparently she thinks I am a teenage girl on MySpace. Her games are trite and I am not going to respond directly. Despite the fact that I am whining about them here.
Then there is another woman I was involved with. We may stay friends. The reason I say may is; our friendship is very complicated. I want nothing but the best for her life and she reciprocates in spades. She is a true friend and I am trying to be one for her too. While we both care for each other like a real friend should. There are, as there always are, other people to consider. And that will probably get in the way.
First and foremost is her man. He is intimidated by me, I think but I can’t ever be sure because we have never had a conversation and I doubt we ever will. I know why, because I and she have a bond.
So he, like my ex wife, has started making up stories about me. Once again, classy. Some of the stories are, in concept, the same things that my ex came up with. That I am an abuser. But they are so far fetched that it breaks down before you can even ask a question. He, like my classy ex, has not a shred of evidence. I was not even in the correct state to have perpetrated these acts. This is desperate. He has her so he doesn’t have to attack me. Desperate.
Now he says I am calling him names. I ma not sure what will be next but I am sure something is on the way.
I am so through with his pettiness. I feel like “Clueless girls”; “Whatever”. I am sure he will continue on. I have no control over him, nor do I want any. When he wakes up and realizes, he has a lot more control over himself then he does me, he will be a lot happier. But it is just beyond me how these things continue to happen.
He really is just demonstrating maximum bitchassness [Diddy let’s me use this word.] As well as maximum jackassery [That is something I made up. I am going to send it to Diddy. He will make it hot.] He has two kids he should be worried about, at least because there may be more. He has debts he should be paying. He should be getting a job. He has knobs to slobber. If he was ‘about his business’ and not in mine, I wouldn’t even be a threat at all. But he is just as blind as the other two I described above. None of the three know what the real problem is.
You know why? No goals.
I have put in earlier post, some things I want to do. Goals. Are they nasty and disgusting? Hell Yeah. But you know what, that is me.
If your goal in life is to tear me down, good luck. Because I could be happy working at McDonald’s taking people orders. Hell, I will mop the floors. I don’t need things. But there are things I want.
And to get the things I want, I can’t let bitchassness get in my way. I got to step past that. So while I care for my friend, soon, I may have to step past her because I can’t have the bitchassness weighing me down. And if I let her go, he falls too. That might be the solution I just hope it doesn’t come to that.
I seriously just want to find one woman who I can happy with. We shut ourselves off in a cave and live together. Frak the whole rest of the world.
Or maybe we volunteer for the Mars mission. We get to be together for the next five years in space. Frak the rest of the world. And hope the Cylons don’t attack. [Yes I am BSG fanatic from the original series. Frak yourself if you don’t like it.]
I know my ex had a goal; it was just counter to mine. So, we had to split. The woman I dated, her goals where constantly focused on other people. But, if those other people have different goals, like I do, then you are always going to fail. And the last woman does and doesn’t have goals. I know it is complicated but that is why “WE” are so complicated. And the guy she is with, he says he has goals and conveniently forgets them when it is convenient for him. Like when it is time to work and skip the bitchassness, now the goals change. How strange.
In the end, in my own way, I will always care for all these women. My ex girlfriend before my wife, as a fourth woman, I cared so much about her. But, I need to have control and so did she. I wanted 60% controlling interest and she wanted 70%. This obviously won’t work.
I know that she is married now. And the last I heard from her, she was happy. And honestly, that is just fine with me. I can love someone and know that they are happy with someone else, and be perfectly satisfied with that.
If I knew that I had to be alone so that others could be happy, I would be fine being alone. Like Caine on Kung Fu, I will walk the Earth if I am told to do so.
But, I do want more. I do want to be with someone. I want one woman. Is that too much to ask for? It might be.

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