Found in a notebook I don't write in often, not dated, kinda only half-finished but wanted to share when I found it.
Untiltled
I watch TV as you sleep
Henry and June
On the big television on your
Oversized chest of drawers
Know you'll fuck my brains out
If you catch me watching it
During a lusty sex scene
-----
The light from the television
Makes your dark skin shine
Your knee pointing out from
Under the comforter
I want to kiss it, lick the crease in the underside
Wake you up to be ravaged by you again
But I don't want to wake you
-----
I like you more than I should
I might love you but
I can't be sure it's not
Just circumstances and good sex
But
But you are sick and twisted
Like I am
You write ideas on little scraps of paper
You came back just to make sure I wouldn't leave upset at myself
You conceal romantic gestures
Just in case they aren't accepted
And I can't stop
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
My happiness is still out there
I have had some pretty bad relationships here of late. [Mind you, this is all in perspective. No one has hit me or rape me or anything life changing like that. This is really just whining because, I could have it a lot worse.] They have caused me to believe I am an emotional cripple at best. I am not putting my full self into any relationship. This does not bode well for my future. I am probably just going to continue to lose women, good or bad. But maybe that is my fate. And you know what, I will be fighting fate.
First there is my ex. She talked about being done and ready to move on. But, she didn’t file for divorce. I did. This was months after she was done. And after saying she was ready to move on, she made wild accusations and stories against me to anyone who would listen, my work, the state, the judge, anyone. How if she moved on?
I could go on. But what is the point? I am going to move on though.
Then there is a woman I tried to date. Big mistake. I tried to be friends with benefits which would have been truly beneficial because she has another person she is involved with who is not available right now. But she didn’t trust me at all. Not for a second. Then tried to say, despite having no trust, we should be together.
First it was for the doctor, which I found legitimate. Then my ex got in touch with. Then my ex got in touch with her again, two weeks later, ex really moved on huh? I know classy. I am not sure the last three times why she asked. Can you see a pattern? Lots of trust there. Lots to build on.
I am not the type of person to get questioned and still feel good about things. The first time, I answered and she didn’t get back to me for a while, but I played the spot. The second time, I was mad at my ex. The last four times, I was mad at her. And I was done that third time.
Now understand something. We never met one another outside of whatever home I was staying in. She came over, we spent time, and she left. Never even went on anything like a date or the movies or nothing. Is that someone you would fall for?
I wasn’t ashamed. I wasn’t afraid. But her involvement was supposed to be long term beyond our friendship. I tried to play within those rules. But she wanted to changes the rules part way through.
I got fed up with being constantly questioned about my “faithfulness”[I wasn't faithful, I did tell her about the people I was with. When you are with someone who is involved, that is about as faithful as I can manage]. I tried to tell her the deal but to no avail. I didn’t belong to her and generally didn’t want to. But, she wanted to believe that I was just cold hearted, which really I am; to believe I am a liar, which I am not, and believe I am a bastard, which is an insult to my parents.
Now, a month after I asked her politely not to contact me because her end of the contact had become attacks. Well today she sent me a bunch of pictures of what women had done to things [cars, boats, and other objects] of cheating husbands. Classy. Yeah that is something you send to your friend, right after you have stabbed them directly in their back I believe. She is a classic cyber stalker. Apparently she thinks I am a teenage girl on MySpace. Her games are trite and I am not going to respond directly. Despite the fact that I am whining about them here.
Then there is another woman I was involved with. We may stay friends. The reason I say may is; our friendship is very complicated. I want nothing but the best for her life and she reciprocates in spades. She is a true friend and I am trying to be one for her too. While we both care for each other like a real friend should. There are, as there always are, other people to consider. And that will probably get in the way.
First and foremost is her man. He is intimidated by me, I think but I can’t ever be sure because we have never had a conversation and I doubt we ever will. I know why, because I and she have a bond.
So he, like my ex wife, has started making up stories about me. Once again, classy. Some of the stories are, in concept, the same things that my ex came up with. That I am an abuser. But they are so far fetched that it breaks down before you can even ask a question. He, like my classy ex, has not a shred of evidence. I was not even in the correct state to have perpetrated these acts. This is desperate. He has her so he doesn’t have to attack me. Desperate.
Now he says I am calling him names. I ma not sure what will be next but I am sure something is on the way.
I am so through with his pettiness. I feel like “Clueless girls”; “Whatever”. I am sure he will continue on. I have no control over him, nor do I want any. When he wakes up and realizes, he has a lot more control over himself then he does me, he will be a lot happier. But it is just beyond me how these things continue to happen.
He really is just demonstrating maximum bitchassness [Diddy let’s me use this word.] As well as maximum jackassery [That is something I made up. I am going to send it to Diddy. He will make it hot.] He has two kids he should be worried about, at least because there may be more. He has debts he should be paying. He should be getting a job. He has knobs to slobber. If he was ‘about his business’ and not in mine, I wouldn’t even be a threat at all. But he is just as blind as the other two I described above. None of the three know what the real problem is.
You know why? No goals.
I have put in earlier post, some things I want to do. Goals. Are they nasty and disgusting? Hell Yeah. But you know what, that is me.
If your goal in life is to tear me down, good luck. Because I could be happy working at McDonald’s taking people orders. Hell, I will mop the floors. I don’t need things. But there are things I want.
And to get the things I want, I can’t let bitchassness get in my way. I got to step past that. So while I care for my friend, soon, I may have to step past her because I can’t have the bitchassness weighing me down. And if I let her go, he falls too. That might be the solution I just hope it doesn’t come to that.
I seriously just want to find one woman who I can happy with. We shut ourselves off in a cave and live together. Frak the whole rest of the world.
Or maybe we volunteer for the Mars mission. We get to be together for the next five years in space. Frak the rest of the world. And hope the Cylons don’t attack. [Yes I am BSG fanatic from the original series. Frak yourself if you don’t like it.]
I know my ex had a goal; it was just counter to mine. So, we had to split. The woman I dated, her goals where constantly focused on other people. But, if those other people have different goals, like I do, then you are always going to fail. And the last woman does and doesn’t have goals. I know it is complicated but that is why “WE” are so complicated. And the guy she is with, he says he has goals and conveniently forgets them when it is convenient for him. Like when it is time to work and skip the bitchassness, now the goals change. How strange.
In the end, in my own way, I will always care for all these women. My ex girlfriend before my wife, as a fourth woman, I cared so much about her. But, I need to have control and so did she. I wanted 60% controlling interest and she wanted 70%. This obviously won’t work.
I know that she is married now. And the last I heard from her, she was happy. And honestly, that is just fine with me. I can love someone and know that they are happy with someone else, and be perfectly satisfied with that.
If I knew that I had to be alone so that others could be happy, I would be fine being alone. Like Caine on Kung Fu, I will walk the Earth if I am told to do so.
But, I do want more. I do want to be with someone. I want one woman. Is that too much to ask for? It might be.
First there is my ex. She talked about being done and ready to move on. But, she didn’t file for divorce. I did. This was months after she was done. And after saying she was ready to move on, she made wild accusations and stories against me to anyone who would listen, my work, the state, the judge, anyone. How if she moved on?
I could go on. But what is the point? I am going to move on though.
Then there is a woman I tried to date. Big mistake. I tried to be friends with benefits which would have been truly beneficial because she has another person she is involved with who is not available right now. But she didn’t trust me at all. Not for a second. Then tried to say, despite having no trust, we should be together.
First it was for the doctor, which I found legitimate. Then my ex got in touch with. Then my ex got in touch with her again, two weeks later, ex really moved on huh? I know classy. I am not sure the last three times why she asked. Can you see a pattern? Lots of trust there. Lots to build on.
I am not the type of person to get questioned and still feel good about things. The first time, I answered and she didn’t get back to me for a while, but I played the spot. The second time, I was mad at my ex. The last four times, I was mad at her. And I was done that third time.
Now understand something. We never met one another outside of whatever home I was staying in. She came over, we spent time, and she left. Never even went on anything like a date or the movies or nothing. Is that someone you would fall for?
I wasn’t ashamed. I wasn’t afraid. But her involvement was supposed to be long term beyond our friendship. I tried to play within those rules. But she wanted to changes the rules part way through.
I got fed up with being constantly questioned about my “faithfulness”[I wasn't faithful, I did tell her about the people I was with. When you are with someone who is involved, that is about as faithful as I can manage]. I tried to tell her the deal but to no avail. I didn’t belong to her and generally didn’t want to. But, she wanted to believe that I was just cold hearted, which really I am; to believe I am a liar, which I am not, and believe I am a bastard, which is an insult to my parents.
Now, a month after I asked her politely not to contact me because her end of the contact had become attacks. Well today she sent me a bunch of pictures of what women had done to things [cars, boats, and other objects] of cheating husbands. Classy. Yeah that is something you send to your friend, right after you have stabbed them directly in their back I believe. She is a classic cyber stalker. Apparently she thinks I am a teenage girl on MySpace. Her games are trite and I am not going to respond directly. Despite the fact that I am whining about them here.
Then there is another woman I was involved with. We may stay friends. The reason I say may is; our friendship is very complicated. I want nothing but the best for her life and she reciprocates in spades. She is a true friend and I am trying to be one for her too. While we both care for each other like a real friend should. There are, as there always are, other people to consider. And that will probably get in the way.
First and foremost is her man. He is intimidated by me, I think but I can’t ever be sure because we have never had a conversation and I doubt we ever will. I know why, because I and she have a bond.
So he, like my ex wife, has started making up stories about me. Once again, classy. Some of the stories are, in concept, the same things that my ex came up with. That I am an abuser. But they are so far fetched that it breaks down before you can even ask a question. He, like my classy ex, has not a shred of evidence. I was not even in the correct state to have perpetrated these acts. This is desperate. He has her so he doesn’t have to attack me. Desperate.
Now he says I am calling him names. I ma not sure what will be next but I am sure something is on the way.
I am so through with his pettiness. I feel like “Clueless girls”; “Whatever”. I am sure he will continue on. I have no control over him, nor do I want any. When he wakes up and realizes, he has a lot more control over himself then he does me, he will be a lot happier. But it is just beyond me how these things continue to happen.
He really is just demonstrating maximum bitchassness [Diddy let’s me use this word.] As well as maximum jackassery [That is something I made up. I am going to send it to Diddy. He will make it hot.] He has two kids he should be worried about, at least because there may be more. He has debts he should be paying. He should be getting a job. He has knobs to slobber. If he was ‘about his business’ and not in mine, I wouldn’t even be a threat at all. But he is just as blind as the other two I described above. None of the three know what the real problem is.
You know why? No goals.
I have put in earlier post, some things I want to do. Goals. Are they nasty and disgusting? Hell Yeah. But you know what, that is me.
If your goal in life is to tear me down, good luck. Because I could be happy working at McDonald’s taking people orders. Hell, I will mop the floors. I don’t need things. But there are things I want.
And to get the things I want, I can’t let bitchassness get in my way. I got to step past that. So while I care for my friend, soon, I may have to step past her because I can’t have the bitchassness weighing me down. And if I let her go, he falls too. That might be the solution I just hope it doesn’t come to that.
I seriously just want to find one woman who I can happy with. We shut ourselves off in a cave and live together. Frak the whole rest of the world.
Or maybe we volunteer for the Mars mission. We get to be together for the next five years in space. Frak the rest of the world. And hope the Cylons don’t attack. [Yes I am BSG fanatic from the original series. Frak yourself if you don’t like it.]
I know my ex had a goal; it was just counter to mine. So, we had to split. The woman I dated, her goals where constantly focused on other people. But, if those other people have different goals, like I do, then you are always going to fail. And the last woman does and doesn’t have goals. I know it is complicated but that is why “WE” are so complicated. And the guy she is with, he says he has goals and conveniently forgets them when it is convenient for him. Like when it is time to work and skip the bitchassness, now the goals change. How strange.
In the end, in my own way, I will always care for all these women. My ex girlfriend before my wife, as a fourth woman, I cared so much about her. But, I need to have control and so did she. I wanted 60% controlling interest and she wanted 70%. This obviously won’t work.
I know that she is married now. And the last I heard from her, she was happy. And honestly, that is just fine with me. I can love someone and know that they are happy with someone else, and be perfectly satisfied with that.
If I knew that I had to be alone so that others could be happy, I would be fine being alone. Like Caine on Kung Fu, I will walk the Earth if I am told to do so.
But, I do want more. I do want to be with someone. I want one woman. Is that too much to ask for? It might be.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Stepping Lightly
Most of our lives are spent stepping lightly and lively through the minefield that is/ are relationships. We all put so much stake into these relationships, to include friendships around relationships. It is a wonder more people don't step right on a mine and lose vital organs, so to speak.
I got divorced earlier this year. Besides all the stuff, material possessions, that I lost, I lost a lot of pride. My ex tried to accuse me of some heinous things based of non existent accusations. Basically, I am a badperson because I like pornography. Dirty man that I am [and I guess so isanyone other man that has ever looked at porn, I truly pity the guy after me]. Anyway, she failed and the truth prevailed in one respect. But in another, I lost a big part of me in that fight. A part I will never get back.
Then I started two ill fated relationships. One that is still dragging on despite my efforts to end it. And the other is a friendship that I hope can last. I say hope because; I have trouble with friendships the more I move, the farther I get away.
With the second woman, I so much wish that we could have had more.We both had trouble living up to each other's expectations. I blame timing because we could have worked just not right now. But I am so happy just to know her. And to know that women like her exist. There are so many other issues with her though that I am not going into. But, we both want to try and stay friends. It is just a matter of doing things differently then say the TV show "Friends". I think we will keep in touch though. I hope so anyway.
I have other distractions. Mainly, the ambition to start doing other things that are outside a primary relationship. That might be a hard sell off the bat of a new relationship. So, not only was I having problems trying to figure out how to do those things. I am not going to be able to even trythem for the rest of this year. Unless I find the coolest girl in the world.Or I go to Borneo [inside joke there].
So I am going to step into this minefield my way but, I am not evensure what I am doing. I really would like to meet someone that I could fall in love with. But, in the end, as long as I have someone to go to a work function in December with, I will be cool.
I have thought long and hard about whom I should be dating. I havecome to the conclusion that dating a lesbian who has an exception [or may be acception] policy for sleeping with me would be ideal. I would be her fuck buddy. She could have me and a girlfriend. Better if we would share one. I am quite serious about this hypothesis despite my chicken shit nature of actually trying to execute it. I am a chauvinist pig but even I have limits.
Now I have flirted with the very real prospect of asking a co worker out. There are three co workers who are "viable" candidates. The first, I have joked with the "second woman" that I should ask because I am pretty sure she is a lesbian. The second co worker is the woman I am probably closest with and we would have a good time together. But I am not sure if she is in a relationship. And also, perfectly for me, she might be a lesbian too. But for this second woman, I would be more than happy to be her beard. And the last woman I am almost certain is heterosexual and would date me, or at least the me that she thinks that I am.
With the last woman particularly, but also in any office relationship, I have a well seeded minefield. Since I am a pervert, prevert and generally just a sexual person; the more that becomes known to people in the office, the harder my job becomes. My ex tried to spread that information out to as many people as could, classy huh? But anytime you bring your sex life, in any fashion, into the workplace, you could have problems. Actually, just I could have problems. And those are problems I don't want.
So I am going to look elsewhere.
I am not going to use any of the online dating sites. There is one good reason, the aforementioned preversion that I quite frankly don't want to hide anymore than I already do. I have healthy sex drive that I want to share with a woman. And from the commercials I have seen, I don't think that those websites cater to a guy like me. I wouldn't make it on e-harmony or chemistry or match or any of them.
I don't and won't go to bars to troll for women.
It leaves me little recourse. But I do have a couple different courses of action to proceed with.
So what now? Now I once again have to get over my own bitchassness[Thanks Diddy] and at least start looking.
I have treaded lightly so far. I have answered a couple of adsposted by women. Not one of them has been fruitful so far.
So when am I going to take the big leap? Hopefully in time to tryand line up a date for this weekend. That is the desire. But, I am not sureI will meet that deadline. I really just need a pep talk. Someone who I respect who can get me past my aforementioned bitchassness [Though I respect Diddy enough to take his made up word, I don't think he is motivating enough in this arena. Remember, he has never been married. And he has seven kids with four different women, I believe. He is not a good role model in the relationship department. Hell. He lost J. Lo to Mark Anthony. That is some relationship bitchassness.]
Alright, well I will update if there ever is anything to update.Instead of writing this I should have done what I needed to do, post something. I am afraid of failure. And you can't smoke a quitter. But, I will try. I know I will. Why? Because it is truly what I want in life. And quitter never gets what they want.
I AM GETTING MINES!
I got divorced earlier this year. Besides all the stuff, material possessions, that I lost, I lost a lot of pride. My ex tried to accuse me of some heinous things based of non existent accusations. Basically, I am a badperson because I like pornography. Dirty man that I am [and I guess so isanyone other man that has ever looked at porn, I truly pity the guy after me]. Anyway, she failed and the truth prevailed in one respect. But in another, I lost a big part of me in that fight. A part I will never get back.
Then I started two ill fated relationships. One that is still dragging on despite my efforts to end it. And the other is a friendship that I hope can last. I say hope because; I have trouble with friendships the more I move, the farther I get away.
With the second woman, I so much wish that we could have had more.We both had trouble living up to each other's expectations. I blame timing because we could have worked just not right now. But I am so happy just to know her. And to know that women like her exist. There are so many other issues with her though that I am not going into. But, we both want to try and stay friends. It is just a matter of doing things differently then say the TV show "Friends". I think we will keep in touch though. I hope so anyway.
I have other distractions. Mainly, the ambition to start doing other things that are outside a primary relationship. That might be a hard sell off the bat of a new relationship. So, not only was I having problems trying to figure out how to do those things. I am not going to be able to even trythem for the rest of this year. Unless I find the coolest girl in the world.Or I go to Borneo [inside joke there].
So I am going to step into this minefield my way but, I am not evensure what I am doing. I really would like to meet someone that I could fall in love with. But, in the end, as long as I have someone to go to a work function in December with, I will be cool.
I have thought long and hard about whom I should be dating. I havecome to the conclusion that dating a lesbian who has an exception [or may be acception] policy for sleeping with me would be ideal. I would be her fuck buddy. She could have me and a girlfriend. Better if we would share one. I am quite serious about this hypothesis despite my chicken shit nature of actually trying to execute it. I am a chauvinist pig but even I have limits.
Now I have flirted with the very real prospect of asking a co worker out. There are three co workers who are "viable" candidates. The first, I have joked with the "second woman" that I should ask because I am pretty sure she is a lesbian. The second co worker is the woman I am probably closest with and we would have a good time together. But I am not sure if she is in a relationship. And also, perfectly for me, she might be a lesbian too. But for this second woman, I would be more than happy to be her beard. And the last woman I am almost certain is heterosexual and would date me, or at least the me that she thinks that I am.
With the last woman particularly, but also in any office relationship, I have a well seeded minefield. Since I am a pervert, prevert and generally just a sexual person; the more that becomes known to people in the office, the harder my job becomes. My ex tried to spread that information out to as many people as could, classy huh? But anytime you bring your sex life, in any fashion, into the workplace, you could have problems. Actually, just I could have problems. And those are problems I don't want.
So I am going to look elsewhere.
I am not going to use any of the online dating sites. There is one good reason, the aforementioned preversion that I quite frankly don't want to hide anymore than I already do. I have healthy sex drive that I want to share with a woman. And from the commercials I have seen, I don't think that those websites cater to a guy like me. I wouldn't make it on e-harmony or chemistry or match or any of them.
I don't and won't go to bars to troll for women.
It leaves me little recourse. But I do have a couple different courses of action to proceed with.
So what now? Now I once again have to get over my own bitchassness[Thanks Diddy] and at least start looking.
I have treaded lightly so far. I have answered a couple of adsposted by women. Not one of them has been fruitful so far.
So when am I going to take the big leap? Hopefully in time to tryand line up a date for this weekend. That is the desire. But, I am not sureI will meet that deadline. I really just need a pep talk. Someone who I respect who can get me past my aforementioned bitchassness [Though I respect Diddy enough to take his made up word, I don't think he is motivating enough in this arena. Remember, he has never been married. And he has seven kids with four different women, I believe. He is not a good role model in the relationship department. Hell. He lost J. Lo to Mark Anthony. That is some relationship bitchassness.]
Alright, well I will update if there ever is anything to update.Instead of writing this I should have done what I needed to do, post something. I am afraid of failure. And you can't smoke a quitter. But, I will try. I know I will. Why? Because it is truly what I want in life. And quitter never gets what they want.
I AM GETTING MINES!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Dressing Up
I have been in the process of moving for about a month now. Ok, I'll be more honest- I moved the boxes in, but I just haven't really unpacked anything. This is especially true of my clothes. My everyday clothes are out. That means regular underwear, athletic socks, shorts, t-shirts, pjs. What has yet to be unpacked are... well, everything else- business casual clothes, going out clothes, sexy date clothes, lingerie, heels. Lately, I've had reasons to wear nicer clothes, so I had to dig in the box until I found something suitable, not bothering to unpack the rest.
Late this afternoon, as I was getting my second shower of the day, with the nicer clothes that I'd dug out of the clothes box laid out including matching bra and thong, taking down my hair to rewash it though it didn't really get dirty today, I started wondering why I was going through all this.
It would be much too simplistic to say that I was doing it to get laid. And it would also be a lie. Frankly, considering what I know about the person I'm going out with tonight, I could have just shown up in the dirt-covered t-shirt and sweats that I was wearing earlier and he still would have fucked my brains out. Granted, he might not have taken me out to a restaurant wearing that, but he still would have fucked me. Sex is pretty much guaranteed in this situation.
I have a friend who would argue that I was dressing for other women, that women in general dress to impress or make a statement to other women, as other women are always more critical than (straight) men. For a bisexual woman, this takes on sexual implications as well, but, generally, while I do not want to look "ick" to other women, I usually don't try to impress them.
In some ways, I dress for myself. Or, more accurately, my own self-esteem, self-confidence. When I wear something that I know I look good in, I feel like I own my man or woman, own the room, own the world. I know I look good so I don't have to wonder what the men or the women in the room think of how I look. I already know. And that feeling is why I dress up. That feeling is also what gets me laid. Or whatever it is that I have dressed up for. When someone else lets me know that they have noticed how I look in a positive way, that just pushes it up even more. If it comes from the person that I'm with, or the person that I want to be with, that just gives them extra points, because they were observant and smart enough to say something.
But I also made another connection along with this, or maybe because of this. (Assume a straight, committed couple here.) If the man will have sex with the woman almost anytime she brings it up, and will often pursue it when she has not, despite how horrible she might look at that moment (in her own opinion), she doesn't feel like there is anything special about looking one way or another. Not only are her outfits interchangable and irrelevant to her male partner, she might start to think that all women are interchangable and irrelevant to her male partner so she doesn't feel special at all. And, if she doesn't feel special at all, she might be more inclined to just let it all hang out, not to act or dress special, especially not for her male partner. This also brings up what seems to be the number one reason that women have affairs- to feel special and wanted by someone. Is it really that their male partner doesn't want them or think they are special? On some level, their male partners must want them, must find them more special than another woman, because they are still with them. He hasn't left her yet. And he probably sexually wants her as well. If she said the word, he'd be naked and ready asap. But she wants to be told and shown by someone different that she's not just interchangable with any and every other being with a vagina.
Ok, so I'm not really sure where this leaves us, me, but I do know that I'm hungry and there is a man waiting to take me out to dinner who I intend to have sex with afterwards. And I'll look damn good doing it all.
Late this afternoon, as I was getting my second shower of the day, with the nicer clothes that I'd dug out of the clothes box laid out including matching bra and thong, taking down my hair to rewash it though it didn't really get dirty today, I started wondering why I was going through all this.
It would be much too simplistic to say that I was doing it to get laid. And it would also be a lie. Frankly, considering what I know about the person I'm going out with tonight, I could have just shown up in the dirt-covered t-shirt and sweats that I was wearing earlier and he still would have fucked my brains out. Granted, he might not have taken me out to a restaurant wearing that, but he still would have fucked me. Sex is pretty much guaranteed in this situation.
I have a friend who would argue that I was dressing for other women, that women in general dress to impress or make a statement to other women, as other women are always more critical than (straight) men. For a bisexual woman, this takes on sexual implications as well, but, generally, while I do not want to look "ick" to other women, I usually don't try to impress them.
In some ways, I dress for myself. Or, more accurately, my own self-esteem, self-confidence. When I wear something that I know I look good in, I feel like I own my man or woman, own the room, own the world. I know I look good so I don't have to wonder what the men or the women in the room think of how I look. I already know. And that feeling is why I dress up. That feeling is also what gets me laid. Or whatever it is that I have dressed up for. When someone else lets me know that they have noticed how I look in a positive way, that just pushes it up even more. If it comes from the person that I'm with, or the person that I want to be with, that just gives them extra points, because they were observant and smart enough to say something.
But I also made another connection along with this, or maybe because of this. (Assume a straight, committed couple here.) If the man will have sex with the woman almost anytime she brings it up, and will often pursue it when she has not, despite how horrible she might look at that moment (in her own opinion), she doesn't feel like there is anything special about looking one way or another. Not only are her outfits interchangable and irrelevant to her male partner, she might start to think that all women are interchangable and irrelevant to her male partner so she doesn't feel special at all. And, if she doesn't feel special at all, she might be more inclined to just let it all hang out, not to act or dress special, especially not for her male partner. This also brings up what seems to be the number one reason that women have affairs- to feel special and wanted by someone. Is it really that their male partner doesn't want them or think they are special? On some level, their male partners must want them, must find them more special than another woman, because they are still with them. He hasn't left her yet. And he probably sexually wants her as well. If she said the word, he'd be naked and ready asap. But she wants to be told and shown by someone different that she's not just interchangable with any and every other being with a vagina.
Ok, so I'm not really sure where this leaves us, me, but I do know that I'm hungry and there is a man waiting to take me out to dinner who I intend to have sex with afterwards. And I'll look damn good doing it all.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
First thing to ponder
There are a couple of things that I want to do, in the sexual realm, which I am constantly thinking about. Not obsessively in a way that I can’t do anything else. But it is like Musak in the background of my life. Constantly running in the background.
My real problem is not the thoughts. It is proper execution. I don’t want to fail. So I am dragging my feet on it.
When this blog started, or was started for me by my friend, I wanted to at the very least use it to get these thoughts down and on the record. That was a long time ago, well earlier this year. And I never really made much headway.
I am in a better place. First, monetarily even though I am not trying to spend a lot of money on this or for this. It is supposed to be fun. But I don’t want to lose a bunch of money over it. But I realize also, it will take some funds.
Then there are my computer issues. My regular work issues. Just a whole bunch of issues that I allowed to keep me back. But it is time to at least get my thoughts out there. Start spit balling solutions. So I can figure out if they are feasible, ever or never. Some might not be feasible, here and now. Others will be but later.
The big one that I think would be most rewarding and easiest to bringing to life would be putting together a crew of Black men to have sex with women. I wouldn’t limit the experience to for the women to just one race.
This is not original, I know. But it is something that interests me to think about the management of this type of group. How to do it, or When, or Where. I came up with generic questions for any participants. It follows:
I am looking for a single woman or the wife of a couple or a group or women who want to be involved in gangbang. I am looking to put together a group of Black men to have sexual relations with a woman or group of women.
If you were keen on being a part of a gangbang would you prefer?
Your Rules
1. Initial Meeting
A. Would you meet them one time or more to get used to them before any sexual action happened?
B. Would you prefer to guarantee sex by the end of the night?
C. Leave your options open so that you can be in more control of the situation?
2. Would you limit them? (For example: no kissing, no anal, specific things that are off limits)
3. Would you want your husband to join in?
4. Initial Action Place
A. Your home?
B. Home of one of the guys?
C. Hotel/Motel? (Who chooses and pays)
D. Other place that I haven’t thought of?
The Guys
1. Meeting the guys
A. Meeting the guys and approving of them?
B. Using e-mail replies to approve guys, kind of a pick and choose?
C. Having a trusted observer (husband or me) picks the guys?
2. Meeting Place
A. Restaurant?
B. Bar?
C. Dance Club?
D. Action Place?
3. Guys’ familiarity with each other.
A. The guys don’t know each other prior to getting with you
B. The guys do know each other prior to getting with you
4. If they were an actual team who do this occasionally with others
A. You would want you own dedicated team?
B. You wouldn’t limit what they do on their free time?
I have thought about this. But not sure where I would start. Kind of chicken and egg dilemma. But I am going to do it at some point. Just need to figure out how to start. And once it gets going, it actually wouldn’t be too difficult. Actually, that depends on how many reliable guys I could get.
I don’t think there is a shortage of women o couples who want something like this. It may not be a constant thing for them. But having willing guys who don’t flake out, that is rare.
I guess also that I could take race out of it. But that wouldn’t be my “dream”. Maybe as a secondary challenge, like having a chocolate and vanilla team. But for now, I think I am going to stick with what I want, for now.
But assuming I can find the guys. Guys are generally pretty easy to at least get to answer a craig’s list ad. But where the rubber meets the road is, would they show? I mean a first meeting and the guys are going to want to get down to business, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, I mean start having sex with a female. I would need some bait. I am thinking that just being upfront about using a woman or couple as bait might be the best way to go.
But, I fear not doing this correctly. There is a big risk with hurt feelings of any woman who isn’t able to get the guys to show. Would there be alternates?
Another problem would come when a woman wants a specific number of guys [like four and only four]. Ensuring that all four show up, no more no less will be a pickle. Once again, do I have an alternate? A pinch hitter?
Last problem is the logistics. I am not catering a party but that might make for a livelier crowd. So do I charge for food? If I get a hotel, how to pay for that? If I knew about systems like Pay Pal, I would be in the clear. I could just use that. But, I will have to study up a bit.
This is all stuff I can work out. And I am sure I will. But for now, it is in the planning stages. How long will it take to get going? Only knows. But, I will keep planning until I think I have the right formula. Keep your fingers crossed.
My real problem is not the thoughts. It is proper execution. I don’t want to fail. So I am dragging my feet on it.
When this blog started, or was started for me by my friend, I wanted to at the very least use it to get these thoughts down and on the record. That was a long time ago, well earlier this year. And I never really made much headway.
I am in a better place. First, monetarily even though I am not trying to spend a lot of money on this or for this. It is supposed to be fun. But I don’t want to lose a bunch of money over it. But I realize also, it will take some funds.
Then there are my computer issues. My regular work issues. Just a whole bunch of issues that I allowed to keep me back. But it is time to at least get my thoughts out there. Start spit balling solutions. So I can figure out if they are feasible, ever or never. Some might not be feasible, here and now. Others will be but later.
The big one that I think would be most rewarding and easiest to bringing to life would be putting together a crew of Black men to have sex with women. I wouldn’t limit the experience to for the women to just one race.
This is not original, I know. But it is something that interests me to think about the management of this type of group. How to do it, or When, or Where. I came up with generic questions for any participants. It follows:
I am looking for a single woman or the wife of a couple or a group or women who want to be involved in gangbang. I am looking to put together a group of Black men to have sexual relations with a woman or group of women.
If you were keen on being a part of a gangbang would you prefer?
Your Rules
1. Initial Meeting
A. Would you meet them one time or more to get used to them before any sexual action happened?
B. Would you prefer to guarantee sex by the end of the night?
C. Leave your options open so that you can be in more control of the situation?
2. Would you limit them? (For example: no kissing, no anal, specific things that are off limits)
3. Would you want your husband to join in?
4. Initial Action Place
A. Your home?
B. Home of one of the guys?
C. Hotel/Motel? (Who chooses and pays)
D. Other place that I haven’t thought of?
The Guys
1. Meeting the guys
A. Meeting the guys and approving of them?
B. Using e-mail replies to approve guys, kind of a pick and choose?
C. Having a trusted observer (husband or me) picks the guys?
2. Meeting Place
A. Restaurant?
B. Bar?
C. Dance Club?
D. Action Place?
3. Guys’ familiarity with each other.
A. The guys don’t know each other prior to getting with you
B. The guys do know each other prior to getting with you
4. If they were an actual team who do this occasionally with others
A. You would want you own dedicated team?
B. You wouldn’t limit what they do on their free time?
I have thought about this. But not sure where I would start. Kind of chicken and egg dilemma. But I am going to do it at some point. Just need to figure out how to start. And once it gets going, it actually wouldn’t be too difficult. Actually, that depends on how many reliable guys I could get.
I don’t think there is a shortage of women o couples who want something like this. It may not be a constant thing for them. But having willing guys who don’t flake out, that is rare.
I guess also that I could take race out of it. But that wouldn’t be my “dream”. Maybe as a secondary challenge, like having a chocolate and vanilla team. But for now, I think I am going to stick with what I want, for now.
But assuming I can find the guys. Guys are generally pretty easy to at least get to answer a craig’s list ad. But where the rubber meets the road is, would they show? I mean a first meeting and the guys are going to want to get down to business, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, I mean start having sex with a female. I would need some bait. I am thinking that just being upfront about using a woman or couple as bait might be the best way to go.
But, I fear not doing this correctly. There is a big risk with hurt feelings of any woman who isn’t able to get the guys to show. Would there be alternates?
Another problem would come when a woman wants a specific number of guys [like four and only four]. Ensuring that all four show up, no more no less will be a pickle. Once again, do I have an alternate? A pinch hitter?
Last problem is the logistics. I am not catering a party but that might make for a livelier crowd. So do I charge for food? If I get a hotel, how to pay for that? If I knew about systems like Pay Pal, I would be in the clear. I could just use that. But, I will have to study up a bit.
This is all stuff I can work out. And I am sure I will. But for now, it is in the planning stages. How long will it take to get going? Only knows. But, I will keep planning until I think I have the right formula. Keep your fingers crossed.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Ava's Response to The Challenge
Here is what my ad said:
Headline: Sex Outside the Box
Looking for a man to explore alternative sexual outlets with. Must be honest and open, as I am very on both accounts. I am bi, switch, and open to sexual encounters with more than one partner at a time. It would be great if you were at least the last one, though some level of all three is best. And you should know what all three mean too. You must be ok with the fact that I am not single and will not be monogamous with you, though I will be as honest as you would like about my other partners, as you should be as well. Physically, I am 26 y/o, 5'5", cute and curvy with a few extra pounds, blue eyes, longer curly brown hair, pierced and tattooed. I am also intelligent, curious, outspoken, and caring. Your pic gets mine. I don't have any age, race, looks requirements, but we obviously must both be attracted to each other. You must also be mature, respectful, and not overly pushy. If you are interested in a pretty female playmate who wants to learn about your deepest, darkest desires and make them a reality, email me.
I am currently still e-mailing and IMing back and forth with maybe a dozen people, out of the 60-70 initial responses that I recieved.
First I would like to respond to a specific point that my male counterpart had made in his post. I didn't necessarily feel offended or more objectified than any woman in our society generally does by what he said, nor did I think he wanted to stuff and mount me for future generations of men to see. I have always been flattered when he asserted that I was special in this area. Sex is probably my favority hobby , followed a close second by (little r) relationships with other people. It's nice to have it confirmed by him that I am good at both of these things. But I felt like he thought I was SPECIAL and that, since he felt like no other women could be special in that way, he'd never really attempt to look for someone like me sexually and settle for less, which I don't want for him. And, even more than anything else, I guess I just got tired of his superiority when he spoke of it.
On to my results and analysis thereof. I did get quite a few responses. Many more than TyRoy. But that doesn't mean they were quality responses or even that they were responding specifically to my ad, but rather to a woman looking for sex without a commitment. I suppose I should have been more specific, but I wasn't because I didn't think I would get ANY responses at all, much less the sheer volume I recieved. As I said above, I'm still talking to about a dozen people, of the initial 60-70 responses that I recieved. Of those, only a couple of them really interest me. The rest I'm keeping an open mind on. But a great deal has surprised me about this experience. A great many of my views about men and sex have been confirmed, some of my ideas about females and couples have been flipped, and somethings have just flat out surprised me.
Things confirmed about men (at least men who visit craigslist) and ideas challenged about females/couples:
What just flat out surprised me wa sthe number of men who say they want to be submissive, who've participated in threesomes where there were two guys and one girl, and who want to get pegged. (Most of the time, these three things occur together.) I should probably quantify this with the evidence at least half of the men who say they want to be submissive don't mean it in the way I take submissive to mean. They may want to be submissive in that they want the female in charge and calling the shots for once. But my test to see if they mean it in the sense that I do is to direct them to get more informed on bdsm in general (common protocols, ways in which they might be asked to serve, etc) and then email me back with their thoughts on what they'd read. I have not gotten that response email back from the first two guys that I instructed to do this at this time. I'm giving the others a bit more time before I give up on them. I honestly just think that these guys just wanted a little (tame) slap and tickle with the woman in charge and to be pegged. Nothing wrong with that, per say, but I want something more from a submissive.
So I'm still weeding through what's left because I can't see everyone unless they all wanted to pitch in money for my upkeep, so I wouldn't have to get a real job.
And I think TyRoy is completely silly for dismissing a two women one man threesome as his prize just because he isn't looking for a steady girl right now. As he'd kindly give me a two male one female threesome experience if I requested one, I think it's only fair to try to do the same for him with bringing in another girl. She doesn't have to be a steady and we can present ourselves as a couple. But I guess, as it is his prize, he can have whatever he wants.
Headline: Sex Outside the Box
Looking for a man to explore alternative sexual outlets with. Must be honest and open, as I am very on both accounts. I am bi, switch, and open to sexual encounters with more than one partner at a time. It would be great if you were at least the last one, though some level of all three is best. And you should know what all three mean too. You must be ok with the fact that I am not single and will not be monogamous with you, though I will be as honest as you would like about my other partners, as you should be as well. Physically, I am 26 y/o, 5'5", cute and curvy with a few extra pounds, blue eyes, longer curly brown hair, pierced and tattooed. I am also intelligent, curious, outspoken, and caring. Your pic gets mine. I don't have any age, race, looks requirements, but we obviously must both be attracted to each other. You must also be mature, respectful, and not overly pushy. If you are interested in a pretty female playmate who wants to learn about your deepest, darkest desires and make them a reality, email me.
I am currently still e-mailing and IMing back and forth with maybe a dozen people, out of the 60-70 initial responses that I recieved.
First I would like to respond to a specific point that my male counterpart had made in his post. I didn't necessarily feel offended or more objectified than any woman in our society generally does by what he said, nor did I think he wanted to stuff and mount me for future generations of men to see. I have always been flattered when he asserted that I was special in this area. Sex is probably my favority hobby , followed a close second by (little r) relationships with other people. It's nice to have it confirmed by him that I am good at both of these things. But I felt like he thought I was SPECIAL and that, since he felt like no other women could be special in that way, he'd never really attempt to look for someone like me sexually and settle for less, which I don't want for him. And, even more than anything else, I guess I just got tired of his superiority when he spoke of it.
On to my results and analysis thereof. I did get quite a few responses. Many more than TyRoy. But that doesn't mean they were quality responses or even that they were responding specifically to my ad, but rather to a woman looking for sex without a commitment. I suppose I should have been more specific, but I wasn't because I didn't think I would get ANY responses at all, much less the sheer volume I recieved. As I said above, I'm still talking to about a dozen people, of the initial 60-70 responses that I recieved. Of those, only a couple of them really interest me. The rest I'm keeping an open mind on. But a great deal has surprised me about this experience. A great many of my views about men and sex have been confirmed, some of my ideas about females and couples have been flipped, and somethings have just flat out surprised me.
Things confirmed about men (at least men who visit craigslist) and ideas challenged about females/couples:
- There are ALOT of married men online looking for sex and alot of married men with kids. They can be quite shameless about it as well. One man's email address was bobbyandsuesdad (names changed of course).
- Even when you direct men not to be pushy, in your initial ad, they still will be. (Also see "not really reading the ad" above.) I stipulate public first meetings during hours when regular people are out and about, which may or may not lead to doing anything physical directly after the meeting or anytime in the future. But I'm always surprised by the number of people who don't get this. I also don't like it when someone pushes for a meet within the first few lines of your first IM conversation. I always make it clear that I want something ongoing and the things that I want take a bit of trust, so I'm not going to meet you without chatting with you a bit. So stop being so godsdamn pushy! I had one guy push for meetings whenever he'd catch me online, at 1 am and 5am, without a public meeting. I initially gave him some leeway because he was one of the few (self-proclaimed) experienced Doms who responded to my ad and I would like to continue to pursue that as well as other avenues. But it was just too much.
- Surprisingly, it isn't just men. both of the couples who answered wanted the threesome to happen within a couple days, if not that very day. Fortunately, they agreed to putting off for a bit and having a public meeting first. But this pressure is what surprised me about the females and couples- the pressure and how fast they wanted to move. I know that few people want to play email tag forever but I'd also think that you'd want more time to scope out people, feel comfortable. I guess I thought that the females in these couples would be mroe cautious about bringing another female into their home and their bed. Obviously, I was wrong.
What just flat out surprised me wa sthe number of men who say they want to be submissive, who've participated in threesomes where there were two guys and one girl, and who want to get pegged. (Most of the time, these three things occur together.) I should probably quantify this with the evidence at least half of the men who say they want to be submissive don't mean it in the way I take submissive to mean. They may want to be submissive in that they want the female in charge and calling the shots for once. But my test to see if they mean it in the sense that I do is to direct them to get more informed on bdsm in general (common protocols, ways in which they might be asked to serve, etc) and then email me back with their thoughts on what they'd read. I have not gotten that response email back from the first two guys that I instructed to do this at this time. I'm giving the others a bit more time before I give up on them. I honestly just think that these guys just wanted a little (tame) slap and tickle with the woman in charge and to be pegged. Nothing wrong with that, per say, but I want something more from a submissive.
So I'm still weeding through what's left because I can't see everyone unless they all wanted to pitch in money for my upkeep, so I wouldn't have to get a real job.
And I think TyRoy is completely silly for dismissing a two women one man threesome as his prize just because he isn't looking for a steady girl right now. As he'd kindly give me a two male one female threesome experience if I requested one, I think it's only fair to try to do the same for him with bringing in another girl. She doesn't have to be a steady and we can present ourselves as a couple. But I guess, as it is his prize, he can have whatever he wants.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Challenge
I would constantly mention to my female friend how rare it is to find a woman with an open mind about sex, sexual relationships, pornography, and life in general. While she is very open to learning about and even trying a lot of different sexual situations, she would not agree that she is rare. She believes that there are plenty of women out there ready to explore new and different types of relationships beyond the simple, monogamous, or attempted monogamous, one female with one male relationship.
Partly because when I phrased it, I made her sound as if she was unique amongst a limited edition of women. Like she would be stuffed and mounted, not in a sexual way, when dies so that other generations of men will know she existed at one time. No matter how truly special and valued she is, it does make her sound like more like an object. And no one wants to be an object. She never told me she felt like this, so this may all be bull. But I imagine that is some of what fueled her disgust at my notion.
I was mostly joking about the fact as well. Often times acting like a crack addict. If you have seen the Chappelle’s Show character Tyrone Biggums, I would act in the same mannerisms substituting being with my female friend as my crack. I am an addicted to being around her.
I think we joked about this for about six months now before she was pretty much fed up with it. So I decided to get up off my hump and prove it to her. To show her that men will respond to a sexually open women much faster and in greater quantity (if not quality) than women will respond to a sexually open men. I have lots of data to back up my hypothesis. But I won’t go into here.
Just as a side note, I predicted that most if not all of my responses to a guy looking for a woman would be fake. If you are guy you know the ones I am talking about. They lead you to a dating site or some such none sense. Any guy who has posted on anything other than a Match.com or E-Harmony knows what I am talking about.
I decided we would individually write Craig’s List ads and post them. Here is where things may have been unfair. Her ad was on w4m (woman for man). Mine was on m4w. This may not have been the best place for mine. Mine probably should have been in mw4w. The best way to demonstrate why is to simply put the ad up in here. So without further ado:
Title: Must Like Porn
I am looking for someone who wants to have some fun. Adult fun. Expand their horizons a bit. Your view should include matters of a sexual nature. And if we are friends too, well, I guess that would be a nice bonus. Seriously, I want to have a female friend that has a good sense of humor who wants to try some new things.
So I guess you want to know about me. I am a Black Man. I am 5’11”. I weigh about 190 pounds. I keep my black hair short. I have brown eyes. DDF and V-Safe.
So what kind of fun?
Well let’s start off short quiz. If you saw me with my current female lover would you:
a. Watch me and her go at it ?
b. Join in for a three way ?
c. Knock her out of the way and take me yourself ?
There is no wrong answer but I am wondering what I am getting myself into. And, I would like a combination of all three really. She probably would too.
Sound interesting? I have more ideas. Hopefully you do too. And we can make them a reality together.
Of course, I am not talking about the normal monogamous relationship. Safe and honest fun that we can all enjoy. Anything spooks you, it just stops. That simple. But if you are willing to push some boundaries, let’s see what we can do together.
No requirements but an open mind.
Hope to hear from you soon.
As you can read in there, it may have been more suited towards a female looking for couples. But in my defense, this is want I want from a woman right now. I didn’t try to tank it so I could “win” and prove my point.
I am not going to post my friend’s ad now. I would have to get permission first, and I currently don’t have that. But her ad got at least forty different e-mail addresses. Two or three of them were from women who wanted her to join the woman and her husband.
My ad, the one you read above, got a grand total of two responses. Two. One was from Linda; sweetkittyneedsplaytime27@hotmail.com which asked that I answer to dirtigirllindab78@gmail.com. Which, once I did, led to a link to a website: http://www.amateurdatingonline.com?
The other response seemed like a real woman. I attached a photo and responded back to her. Then, nothing. It has been a couple of days now and she hasn’t gotten back to me.
I am sincerely not beating my chest. I posted a truthful ad for a woman that, if I would have gotten a real response, I would have been more than happy to meet up with. But, that was not in the cards. But I am not using this forum to try and feel important or make myself feel better. The situation simply is, that is it.
In the end, I wasn’t using this to actually meet women. If I wanted to meet women, I wouldn’t have been as honest and upfront about what I want. I am not going to give away my strategies so I have said about as much as I wish to at this point.
So now that I have proven my hypothesis, I get to do something. Kind of like winning a bet.
At first I thought me and my female friend would find a girl to have a three way with. But I am shying away from that idea now. Mostly because, like I said, I wasn’t looking to meet any new women. And I want to be true to that.
The other thing that I had proposed when we made the challenge was that we have a guy either, watch while we perform or I watch while the guy and my female friend perform. There are more aspects but I am working on changing some things. And am leaning towards a variation of this.
Do you have anything better? If so, make a comment about what she should do in response to losing this “bet”.
Partly because when I phrased it, I made her sound as if she was unique amongst a limited edition of women. Like she would be stuffed and mounted, not in a sexual way, when dies so that other generations of men will know she existed at one time. No matter how truly special and valued she is, it does make her sound like more like an object. And no one wants to be an object. She never told me she felt like this, so this may all be bull. But I imagine that is some of what fueled her disgust at my notion.
I was mostly joking about the fact as well. Often times acting like a crack addict. If you have seen the Chappelle’s Show character Tyrone Biggums, I would act in the same mannerisms substituting being with my female friend as my crack. I am an addicted to being around her.
I think we joked about this for about six months now before she was pretty much fed up with it. So I decided to get up off my hump and prove it to her. To show her that men will respond to a sexually open women much faster and in greater quantity (if not quality) than women will respond to a sexually open men. I have lots of data to back up my hypothesis. But I won’t go into here.
Just as a side note, I predicted that most if not all of my responses to a guy looking for a woman would be fake. If you are guy you know the ones I am talking about. They lead you to a dating site or some such none sense. Any guy who has posted on anything other than a Match.com or E-Harmony knows what I am talking about.
I decided we would individually write Craig’s List ads and post them. Here is where things may have been unfair. Her ad was on w4m (woman for man). Mine was on m4w. This may not have been the best place for mine. Mine probably should have been in mw4w. The best way to demonstrate why is to simply put the ad up in here. So without further ado:
Title: Must Like Porn
I am looking for someone who wants to have some fun. Adult fun. Expand their horizons a bit. Your view should include matters of a sexual nature. And if we are friends too, well, I guess that would be a nice bonus. Seriously, I want to have a female friend that has a good sense of humor who wants to try some new things.
So I guess you want to know about me. I am a Black Man. I am 5’11”. I weigh about 190 pounds. I keep my black hair short. I have brown eyes. DDF and V-Safe.
So what kind of fun?
Well let’s start off short quiz. If you saw me with my current female lover would you:
a. Watch me and her go at it ?
b. Join in for a three way ?
c. Knock her out of the way and take me yourself ?
There is no wrong answer but I am wondering what I am getting myself into. And, I would like a combination of all three really. She probably would too.
Sound interesting? I have more ideas. Hopefully you do too. And we can make them a reality together.
Of course, I am not talking about the normal monogamous relationship. Safe and honest fun that we can all enjoy. Anything spooks you, it just stops. That simple. But if you are willing to push some boundaries, let’s see what we can do together.
No requirements but an open mind.
Hope to hear from you soon.
As you can read in there, it may have been more suited towards a female looking for couples. But in my defense, this is want I want from a woman right now. I didn’t try to tank it so I could “win” and prove my point.
I am not going to post my friend’s ad now. I would have to get permission first, and I currently don’t have that. But her ad got at least forty different e-mail addresses. Two or three of them were from women who wanted her to join the woman and her husband.
My ad, the one you read above, got a grand total of two responses. Two. One was from Linda; sweetkittyneedsplaytime27@hotmail.com which asked that I answer to dirtigirllindab78@gmail.com. Which, once I did, led to a link to a website: http://www.amateurdatingonline.com?
The other response seemed like a real woman. I attached a photo and responded back to her. Then, nothing. It has been a couple of days now and she hasn’t gotten back to me.
I am sincerely not beating my chest. I posted a truthful ad for a woman that, if I would have gotten a real response, I would have been more than happy to meet up with. But, that was not in the cards. But I am not using this forum to try and feel important or make myself feel better. The situation simply is, that is it.
In the end, I wasn’t using this to actually meet women. If I wanted to meet women, I wouldn’t have been as honest and upfront about what I want. I am not going to give away my strategies so I have said about as much as I wish to at this point.
So now that I have proven my hypothesis, I get to do something. Kind of like winning a bet.
At first I thought me and my female friend would find a girl to have a three way with. But I am shying away from that idea now. Mostly because, like I said, I wasn’t looking to meet any new women. And I want to be true to that.
The other thing that I had proposed when we made the challenge was that we have a guy either, watch while we perform or I watch while the guy and my female friend perform. There are more aspects but I am working on changing some things. And am leaning towards a variation of this.
Do you have anything better? If so, make a comment about what she should do in response to losing this “bet”.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Long Time, No Post
I pushed TyRoy into starting this blog so that he and I could.... express things in writing that were already going on in our heads. At the time, I think we were probably a bit too wrapped up in each other to contribute much to anything, so nothing got written. Now, as the living and relationship situation between TyRoy and I has changed, I think that we had both either forgotten about the blog or intentionally ignored it's existence. But I still think that typing out our less mainstream (sexual) thoughts would be helpful to us, so I'm going to attempt to keep the blog up. We'll see.
While I intend to write a blog about my changing BDSM desires, I really just have to get out there that I'm going even crazier sexually than usual. I think it's the depression. Looking back, last summer and fall I went through a bit of this same thing. I had ample things pushing the depression at the time, including family illness, my own physical health issues, and anti-depression medication that had pooped out on me after seven years. Not that I'm lacking things now either. But last summer I also had the amazingly freeing experience of having a male lover and friend who showed me that sex outside of monogamous relationships, especially when one goes into it with their eyes wide open, could be not just fun and fulfilling but also guilt-free. I took that to heart and explored quite a bit. Looking back, I wouldn't change any of the experiences that I had, even the not so great ones. And it lead me to BT. Lead me to TyRoy. *Sigh* But now, as the depression induced nymphomania rears it's needy head again, I have few choices for finding relief in that way. Echoing something I've read recently, when you starve one hunger, another hunger will rise up to take it's place. The sex is usually the least destructive of those hungers. Grrrrrr.
Well, it's been awhile since I slept and my (lonely) bed is calling.
While I intend to write a blog about my changing BDSM desires, I really just have to get out there that I'm going even crazier sexually than usual. I think it's the depression. Looking back, last summer and fall I went through a bit of this same thing. I had ample things pushing the depression at the time, including family illness, my own physical health issues, and anti-depression medication that had pooped out on me after seven years. Not that I'm lacking things now either. But last summer I also had the amazingly freeing experience of having a male lover and friend who showed me that sex outside of monogamous relationships, especially when one goes into it with their eyes wide open, could be not just fun and fulfilling but also guilt-free. I took that to heart and explored quite a bit. Looking back, I wouldn't change any of the experiences that I had, even the not so great ones. And it lead me to BT. Lead me to TyRoy. *Sigh* But now, as the depression induced nymphomania rears it's needy head again, I have few choices for finding relief in that way. Echoing something I've read recently, when you starve one hunger, another hunger will rise up to take it's place. The sex is usually the least destructive of those hungers. Grrrrrr.
Well, it's been awhile since I slept and my (lonely) bed is calling.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Dominance and Submission (vol 1)
I'm labeling this as volume one because I'm sure that, as I think more about this, I'll have more to say, things to add or things I've changed my mind on. But this is what I have for now.
First of all, let me say that I currently consider myself a switch, and a novice as both a Domme and a submissive, in the realm of BDSM. I have a decent, and growing, amount of theoretical knowledge and I'm cautiously attempting to get real life experience, though, as I'm not involved in any BDSM communities, real world or online, I'm not always sure I'm doing it right.
I've always been interested in BDSM. I think it kinda started when I was a kid, sneaking peeks at the USA cable network show Silk Stalkings, when no one was in the room. I can't really separate when I started being curious about sex from when I started being curious about homosexuality and when I started being curious about BDSM. My earliest sex games as a kid included kidnapping and force scenarios.
Like most things in my life, because I was taught from an early age to be independent, self-reliant, and assertive, I ended up on the dominant end of things. Another part of probably has to do with the fact that a a female being dominant over a male is somewhat fetishized in mainstream vanilla culture, thus making it a more acceptable fantasy for a hetrosexual couple to explore without feeling like perverts. Or it could just have been that I was with someone who was lazy and, when I wanted to explore other sexual things, he was more than happy to just get tied up and have me do things to him.
Then again, I guess that was better than my next partner, who made me feel like a pervert for what I wanted. By that time, I knew that I wanted to explore being sexually submissive and masochistic. I was finally connecting the fantasies that I'd always gotten off to, in which I was sexually submissive and/or masochistic, to actual sexual acts that I wanted to pursue and explore. But expressing that to my partner didn't go over very well. For various reasons, he equated a person wanting to be submissive and/or masochistic with someone just wanting to be hurt, randomly, without controls or purpose, by someone who must just be a mean, brutal, hateful person. It wasn't until that relationship ended and I stumbled upon a situation in which a friend of mine, who turned out to be sexually submissive as well, and I took turns being submissive, so that we would be able to explore anything at all, that I figured out that isn't what the actual experience of BDSM is at all. Or at least this isn't how it should be. I found that, when I took my turn being the dominant partner, I actually cared more for my friend, desired to protect and shield him more than I had before. But more on that later.
So, by the time I had these experiences with my friend, which started around January 2007, I firmly identified as a submissive and a masochist. What that meant to me was that I obtained sexual (and emotional) fulfillment from serving another, from being in bondage, from pain. I had ideas about things that I would like to try, but had very little experience. Thus, doing almost anything was pushing my limits, but I enjoyed this. As for why I enjoyed this, I have a couple hypothesis, but I'm not sure if any of them are right. I think a large part of it is that, in my daily life, I am, and am expected to be, assertive and in control, so I enjoy giving up that control to someone else. Obviously though, I only give up control to people I trust and in situations that I trust. So it's a controlled lack of control, like a horror movie or a rollercoaster. As someone who has been in sexual situations where what happened truly was out of my control and knowing the trauma of that, I definately draw a distinction between the two experiences, but, as I've heard Dr. Drew say on Loveline, there can be something pleasurable drawn from re-experiencing at least a part of that trauma in a situation that is in one's control. Whatever the reason, it felt natural to be sexually submissive and masochistic and I spent time exploring that in various ways, including educating myself as well as attempting to get real life experience.
Being Dominant, however, did not come naturally to me. But I have come around to it. My early forays into dominance were just vanilla play, nothing more. While I was being submissive and attempting to explore that, I came across a great many men who were submissive and/or wanted to be submissive. As I developed a friendship last fall with a male submissive, who had even less experience than I did and was a bit younger than me, I wanted him to both experience being submissive, as I had had the pleasure of doing recently, and to be protected from himself, to have an outlet for his submissive desires that I could trust. So I started to dominate him. At first, it was just play, as it still is to a certain extent, but I began to get a taste for it. I enjoyed the sense of control I had, the work and imagination that it took to be dominant, the pleasure that he got from completing a task or just from his continued submission. But it was still work and, despite my enjoyment, I still saw it as doing a favor for him, rather than a partnership. Also, this particular relationship occurred long-distance, through instant messenger and cell phone text messages. As of this day, I still have not had the pleasure of meeting this person, psuedonym Chimera, face to face, or of "playing" with this person face to face.
But soon, things would reach a new and different level. I started a very serious relationship with someone, only to find out, after I was too far in to easily extract myself, that he also felt himself to be more naturally submissive, though, also like me, had ended up being the dominant partner, especially sexually, in all previous relationships. But because of how I felt about this person, known on my blog as Boy Toy (BT for short), I opened myself up to attempting to be dominant to him. Because of what he wanted and his personality, his submission tended to be of the 24/7 variety. Unlike my reasons for wanting to be submissive, most of his reason for being submissive were rooted in a desire to please another person, to be of use to someone else in a way that would show his reverance for them. While we had limited sexual experiences in which he got to be submissive, all our time together, especially at the end, was rooted in him serving me, catering to my desires. I tried never to take this lightly and to always show my appreciation for what he was doing. Especially when we were with other people, I attempted to both show my gratitude for what he did, while also not letting it be known that it was anything other than just him being a very chivalrous and caring partner. I hope that I was sucessful in these efforts, but I suppose you would have to ask others. By the end of our time together, though, we were also getting to a place where I did not have to tell BT what to do, where he anticipated my needs and desires and fulfilled them, where he found ways to serve me that I hadn't asked for but that did please me.
But, in the spirit of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone", I didn't realize how much I enjoyed the service and submission rendered by BT or Chimera until I was not getting them. While I still have an ongoing relationship with Chimera, my time and energy are currently more limited and I am not able to have the same level of interaction with him that I had previously. As for BT, the situation has changed and his submission now lays with another. Even if that weren't the case, however, he would not physically be serving me, which is something that I do sorely miss. But it is my realization that I miss this that leads me to identify as switch. While submission comes naturally to me and I still feel like I would like to be submissive in my primary relationship, I also know that I enjoy the power and responsibility that come with being a Dominant, though in both cases I tend to cater to what my partner likes. I do not dominate Chimera in the same ways that I dominated BT because they have different desires and needs, but the same can be said for how I am submissive. I know that this flexibility is not the case for everyone. Many people, whether Dominant or submissive, have very specific things that they must have, so it's usually best for kinksters to find someone specifically compatible to them, or at least someone who's repetoire includes their kink.
What I've found most interesting in my explorations in BDSM is how different people come to their roles, what they see those roles as, and what they get out of those roles, though I don't think that it even occured to me that there was a difference until I had very satisfying but wholly different experiences with two different male Doms. The one Dom obtained his pleasure from allowing himself to let go. He had a very animalistic, feral side of himself that he rarely let out, but that the very carnal, instictual act of sex easily brought out it him. When he did inflict pain on me, it was incidental to the rough, feral nature of our sexual experiences. The other Dom was much more about exerting control, making elaborate plans and executing them, pushing the limits of the other person, and didn't mind using tools, having something between him and his "victim". While the first Dom enjoyed the sense of release that being Dominant gave him, the latter Dom enjoyed the sense of control.
[meant to come back to this but never did. will publish as is anyway]
First of all, let me say that I currently consider myself a switch, and a novice as both a Domme and a submissive, in the realm of BDSM. I have a decent, and growing, amount of theoretical knowledge and I'm cautiously attempting to get real life experience, though, as I'm not involved in any BDSM communities, real world or online, I'm not always sure I'm doing it right.
I've always been interested in BDSM. I think it kinda started when I was a kid, sneaking peeks at the USA cable network show Silk Stalkings, when no one was in the room. I can't really separate when I started being curious about sex from when I started being curious about homosexuality and when I started being curious about BDSM. My earliest sex games as a kid included kidnapping and force scenarios.
Like most things in my life, because I was taught from an early age to be independent, self-reliant, and assertive, I ended up on the dominant end of things. Another part of probably has to do with the fact that a a female being dominant over a male is somewhat fetishized in mainstream vanilla culture, thus making it a more acceptable fantasy for a hetrosexual couple to explore without feeling like perverts. Or it could just have been that I was with someone who was lazy and, when I wanted to explore other sexual things, he was more than happy to just get tied up and have me do things to him.
Then again, I guess that was better than my next partner, who made me feel like a pervert for what I wanted. By that time, I knew that I wanted to explore being sexually submissive and masochistic. I was finally connecting the fantasies that I'd always gotten off to, in which I was sexually submissive and/or masochistic, to actual sexual acts that I wanted to pursue and explore. But expressing that to my partner didn't go over very well. For various reasons, he equated a person wanting to be submissive and/or masochistic with someone just wanting to be hurt, randomly, without controls or purpose, by someone who must just be a mean, brutal, hateful person. It wasn't until that relationship ended and I stumbled upon a situation in which a friend of mine, who turned out to be sexually submissive as well, and I took turns being submissive, so that we would be able to explore anything at all, that I figured out that isn't what the actual experience of BDSM is at all. Or at least this isn't how it should be. I found that, when I took my turn being the dominant partner, I actually cared more for my friend, desired to protect and shield him more than I had before. But more on that later.
So, by the time I had these experiences with my friend, which started around January 2007, I firmly identified as a submissive and a masochist. What that meant to me was that I obtained sexual (and emotional) fulfillment from serving another, from being in bondage, from pain. I had ideas about things that I would like to try, but had very little experience. Thus, doing almost anything was pushing my limits, but I enjoyed this. As for why I enjoyed this, I have a couple hypothesis, but I'm not sure if any of them are right. I think a large part of it is that, in my daily life, I am, and am expected to be, assertive and in control, so I enjoy giving up that control to someone else. Obviously though, I only give up control to people I trust and in situations that I trust. So it's a controlled lack of control, like a horror movie or a rollercoaster. As someone who has been in sexual situations where what happened truly was out of my control and knowing the trauma of that, I definately draw a distinction between the two experiences, but, as I've heard Dr. Drew say on Loveline, there can be something pleasurable drawn from re-experiencing at least a part of that trauma in a situation that is in one's control. Whatever the reason, it felt natural to be sexually submissive and masochistic and I spent time exploring that in various ways, including educating myself as well as attempting to get real life experience.
Being Dominant, however, did not come naturally to me. But I have come around to it. My early forays into dominance were just vanilla play, nothing more. While I was being submissive and attempting to explore that, I came across a great many men who were submissive and/or wanted to be submissive. As I developed a friendship last fall with a male submissive, who had even less experience than I did and was a bit younger than me, I wanted him to both experience being submissive, as I had had the pleasure of doing recently, and to be protected from himself, to have an outlet for his submissive desires that I could trust. So I started to dominate him. At first, it was just play, as it still is to a certain extent, but I began to get a taste for it. I enjoyed the sense of control I had, the work and imagination that it took to be dominant, the pleasure that he got from completing a task or just from his continued submission. But it was still work and, despite my enjoyment, I still saw it as doing a favor for him, rather than a partnership. Also, this particular relationship occurred long-distance, through instant messenger and cell phone text messages. As of this day, I still have not had the pleasure of meeting this person, psuedonym Chimera, face to face, or of "playing" with this person face to face.
But soon, things would reach a new and different level. I started a very serious relationship with someone, only to find out, after I was too far in to easily extract myself, that he also felt himself to be more naturally submissive, though, also like me, had ended up being the dominant partner, especially sexually, in all previous relationships. But because of how I felt about this person, known on my blog as Boy Toy (BT for short), I opened myself up to attempting to be dominant to him. Because of what he wanted and his personality, his submission tended to be of the 24/7 variety. Unlike my reasons for wanting to be submissive, most of his reason for being submissive were rooted in a desire to please another person, to be of use to someone else in a way that would show his reverance for them. While we had limited sexual experiences in which he got to be submissive, all our time together, especially at the end, was rooted in him serving me, catering to my desires. I tried never to take this lightly and to always show my appreciation for what he was doing. Especially when we were with other people, I attempted to both show my gratitude for what he did, while also not letting it be known that it was anything other than just him being a very chivalrous and caring partner. I hope that I was sucessful in these efforts, but I suppose you would have to ask others. By the end of our time together, though, we were also getting to a place where I did not have to tell BT what to do, where he anticipated my needs and desires and fulfilled them, where he found ways to serve me that I hadn't asked for but that did please me.
But, in the spirit of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone", I didn't realize how much I enjoyed the service and submission rendered by BT or Chimera until I was not getting them. While I still have an ongoing relationship with Chimera, my time and energy are currently more limited and I am not able to have the same level of interaction with him that I had previously. As for BT, the situation has changed and his submission now lays with another. Even if that weren't the case, however, he would not physically be serving me, which is something that I do sorely miss. But it is my realization that I miss this that leads me to identify as switch. While submission comes naturally to me and I still feel like I would like to be submissive in my primary relationship, I also know that I enjoy the power and responsibility that come with being a Dominant, though in both cases I tend to cater to what my partner likes. I do not dominate Chimera in the same ways that I dominated BT because they have different desires and needs, but the same can be said for how I am submissive. I know that this flexibility is not the case for everyone. Many people, whether Dominant or submissive, have very specific things that they must have, so it's usually best for kinksters to find someone specifically compatible to them, or at least someone who's repetoire includes their kink.
What I've found most interesting in my explorations in BDSM is how different people come to their roles, what they see those roles as, and what they get out of those roles, though I don't think that it even occured to me that there was a difference until I had very satisfying but wholly different experiences with two different male Doms. The one Dom obtained his pleasure from allowing himself to let go. He had a very animalistic, feral side of himself that he rarely let out, but that the very carnal, instictual act of sex easily brought out it him. When he did inflict pain on me, it was incidental to the rough, feral nature of our sexual experiences. The other Dom was much more about exerting control, making elaborate plans and executing them, pushing the limits of the other person, and didn't mind using tools, having something between him and his "victim". While the first Dom enjoyed the sense of release that being Dominant gave him, the latter Dom enjoyed the sense of control.
[meant to come back to this but never did. will publish as is anyway]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)