My happiness is still out there

I have had some pretty bad relationships here of late. [Mind you, this is all in perspective. No one has hit me or rape me or anything life changing like that. This is really just whining because, I could have it a lot worse.] They have caused me to believe I am an emotional cripple at best. I am not putting my full self into any relationship. This does not bode well for my future. I am probably just going to continue to lose women, good or bad. But maybe that is my fate. And you know what, I will be fighting fate.
First there is my ex. She talked about being done and ready to move on. But, she didn’t file for divorce. I did. This was months after she was done. And after saying she was ready to move on, she made wild accusations and stories against me to anyone who would listen, my work, the state, the judge, anyone. How if she moved on?
I could go on. But what is the point? I am going to move on though.
Then there is a woman I tried to date. Big mistake. I tried to be friends with benefits which would have been truly beneficial because she has another person she is involved with who is not available right now. But she didn’t trust me at all. Not for a second. Then tried to say, despite having no trust, we should be together.
First it was for the doctor, which I found legitimate. Then my ex got in touch with. Then my ex got in touch with her again, two weeks later, ex really moved on huh? I know classy. I am not sure the last three times why she asked. Can you see a pattern? Lots of trust there. Lots to build on.
I am not the type of person to get questioned and still feel good about things. The first time, I answered and she didn’t get back to me for a while, but I played the spot. The second time, I was mad at my ex. The last four times, I was mad at her. And I was done that third time.
Now understand something. We never met one another outside of whatever home I was staying in. She came over, we spent time, and she left. Never even went on anything like a date or the movies or nothing. Is that someone you would fall for?
I wasn’t ashamed. I wasn’t afraid. But her involvement was supposed to be long term beyond our friendship. I tried to play within those rules. But she wanted to changes the rules part way through.
I got fed up with being constantly questioned about my “faithfulness”[I wasn't faithful, I did tell her about the people I was with. When you are with someone who is involved, that is about as faithful as I can manage]. I tried to tell her the deal but to no avail. I didn’t belong to her and generally didn’t want to. But, she wanted to believe that I was just cold hearted, which really I am; to believe I am a liar, which I am not, and believe I am a bastard, which is an insult to my parents.
Now, a month after I asked her politely not to contact me because her end of the contact had become attacks. Well today she sent me a bunch of pictures of what women had done to things [cars, boats, and other objects] of cheating husbands. Classy. Yeah that is something you send to your friend, right after you have stabbed them directly in their back I believe. She is a classic cyber stalker. Apparently she thinks I am a teenage girl on MySpace. Her games are trite and I am not going to respond directly. Despite the fact that I am whining about them here.
Then there is another woman I was involved with. We may stay friends. The reason I say may is; our friendship is very complicated. I want nothing but the best for her life and she reciprocates in spades. She is a true friend and I am trying to be one for her too. While we both care for each other like a real friend should. There are, as there always are, other people to consider. And that will probably get in the way.
First and foremost is her man. He is intimidated by me, I think but I can’t ever be sure because we have never had a conversation and I doubt we ever will. I know why, because I and she have a bond.
So he, like my ex wife, has started making up stories about me. Once again, classy. Some of the stories are, in concept, the same things that my ex came up with. That I am an abuser. But they are so far fetched that it breaks down before you can even ask a question. He, like my classy ex, has not a shred of evidence. I was not even in the correct state to have perpetrated these acts. This is desperate. He has her so he doesn’t have to attack me. Desperate.
Now he says I am calling him names. I ma not sure what will be next but I am sure something is on the way.
I am so through with his pettiness. I feel like “Clueless girls”; “Whatever”. I am sure he will continue on. I have no control over him, nor do I want any. When he wakes up and realizes, he has a lot more control over himself then he does me, he will be a lot happier. But it is just beyond me how these things continue to happen.
He really is just demonstrating maximum bitchassness [Diddy let’s me use this word.] As well as maximum jackassery [That is something I made up. I am going to send it to Diddy. He will make it hot.] He has two kids he should be worried about, at least because there may be more. He has debts he should be paying. He should be getting a job. He has knobs to slobber. If he was ‘about his business’ and not in mine, I wouldn’t even be a threat at all. But he is just as blind as the other two I described above. None of the three know what the real problem is.
You know why? No goals.
I have put in earlier post, some things I want to do. Goals. Are they nasty and disgusting? Hell Yeah. But you know what, that is me.
If your goal in life is to tear me down, good luck. Because I could be happy working at McDonald’s taking people orders. Hell, I will mop the floors. I don’t need things. But there are things I want.
And to get the things I want, I can’t let bitchassness get in my way. I got to step past that. So while I care for my friend, soon, I may have to step past her because I can’t have the bitchassness weighing me down. And if I let her go, he falls too. That might be the solution I just hope it doesn’t come to that.
I seriously just want to find one woman who I can happy with. We shut ourselves off in a cave and live together. Frak the whole rest of the world.
Or maybe we volunteer for the Mars mission. We get to be together for the next five years in space. Frak the rest of the world. And hope the Cylons don’t attack. [Yes I am BSG fanatic from the original series. Frak yourself if you don’t like it.]
I know my ex had a goal; it was just counter to mine. So, we had to split. The woman I dated, her goals where constantly focused on other people. But, if those other people have different goals, like I do, then you are always going to fail. And the last woman does and doesn’t have goals. I know it is complicated but that is why “WE” are so complicated. And the guy she is with, he says he has goals and conveniently forgets them when it is convenient for him. Like when it is time to work and skip the bitchassness, now the goals change. How strange.
In the end, in my own way, I will always care for all these women. My ex girlfriend before my wife, as a fourth woman, I cared so much about her. But, I need to have control and so did she. I wanted 60% controlling interest and she wanted 70%. This obviously won’t work.
I know that she is married now. And the last I heard from her, she was happy. And honestly, that is just fine with me. I can love someone and know that they are happy with someone else, and be perfectly satisfied with that.
If I knew that I had to be alone so that others could be happy, I would be fine being alone. Like Caine on Kung Fu, I will walk the Earth if I am told to do so.
But, I do want more. I do want to be with someone. I want one woman. Is that too much to ask for? It might be.

Stepping Lightly

Most of our lives are spent stepping lightly and lively through the minefield that is/ are relationships. We all put so much stake into these relationships, to include friendships around relationships. It is a wonder more people don't step right on a mine and lose vital organs, so to speak.
I got divorced earlier this year. Besides all the stuff, material possessions, that I lost, I lost a lot of pride. My ex tried to accuse me of some heinous things based of non existent accusations. Basically, I am a badperson because I like pornography. Dirty man that I am [and I guess so isanyone other man that has ever looked at porn, I truly pity the guy after me]. Anyway, she failed and the truth prevailed in one respect. But in another, I lost a big part of me in that fight. A part I will never get back.
Then I started two ill fated relationships. One that is still dragging on despite my efforts to end it. And the other is a friendship that I hope can last. I say hope because; I have trouble with friendships the more I move, the farther I get away.
With the second woman, I so much wish that we could have had more.We both had trouble living up to each other's expectations. I blame timing because we could have worked just not right now. But I am so happy just to know her. And to know that women like her exist. There are so many other issues with her though that I am not going into. But, we both want to try and stay friends. It is just a matter of doing things differently then say the TV show "Friends". I think we will keep in touch though. I hope so anyway.
I have other distractions. Mainly, the ambition to start doing other things that are outside a primary relationship. That might be a hard sell off the bat of a new relationship. So, not only was I having problems trying to figure out how to do those things. I am not going to be able to even trythem for the rest of this year. Unless I find the coolest girl in the world.Or I go to Borneo [inside joke there].
So I am going to step into this minefield my way but, I am not evensure what I am doing. I really would like to meet someone that I could fall in love with. But, in the end, as long as I have someone to go to a work function in December with, I will be cool.
I have thought long and hard about whom I should be dating. I havecome to the conclusion that dating a lesbian who has an exception [or may be acception] policy for sleeping with me would be ideal. I would be her fuck buddy. She could have me and a girlfriend. Better if we would share one. I am quite serious about this hypothesis despite my chicken shit nature of actually trying to execute it. I am a chauvinist pig but even I have limits.
Now I have flirted with the very real prospect of asking a co worker out. There are three co workers who are "viable" candidates. The first, I have joked with the "second woman" that I should ask because I am pretty sure she is a lesbian. The second co worker is the woman I am probably closest with and we would have a good time together. But I am not sure if she is in a relationship. And also, perfectly for me, she might be a lesbian too. But for this second woman, I would be more than happy to be her beard. And the last woman I am almost certain is heterosexual and would date me, or at least the me that she thinks that I am.
With the last woman particularly, but also in any office relationship, I have a well seeded minefield. Since I am a pervert, prevert and generally just a sexual person; the more that becomes known to people in the office, the harder my job becomes. My ex tried to spread that information out to as many people as could, classy huh? But anytime you bring your sex life, in any fashion, into the workplace, you could have problems. Actually, just I could have problems. And those are problems I don't want.
So I am going to look elsewhere.
I am not going to use any of the online dating sites. There is one good reason, the aforementioned preversion that I quite frankly don't want to hide anymore than I already do. I have healthy sex drive that I want to share with a woman. And from the commercials I have seen, I don't think that those websites cater to a guy like me. I wouldn't make it on e-harmony or chemistry or match or any of them.
I don't and won't go to bars to troll for women.
It leaves me little recourse. But I do have a couple different courses of action to proceed with.
So what now? Now I once again have to get over my own bitchassness[Thanks Diddy] and at least start looking.
I have treaded lightly so far. I have answered a couple of adsposted by women. Not one of them has been fruitful so far.
So when am I going to take the big leap? Hopefully in time to tryand line up a date for this weekend. That is the desire. But, I am not sureI will meet that deadline. I really just need a pep talk. Someone who I respect who can get me past my aforementioned bitchassness [Though I respect Diddy enough to take his made up word, I don't think he is motivating enough in this arena. Remember, he has never been married. And he has seven kids with four different women, I believe. He is not a good role model in the relationship department. Hell. He lost J. Lo to Mark Anthony. That is some relationship bitchassness.]
Alright, well I will update if there ever is anything to update.Instead of writing this I should have done what I needed to do, post something. I am afraid of failure. And you can't smoke a quitter. But, I will try. I know I will. Why? Because it is truly what I want in life. And quitter never gets what they want.


I AM GETTING MINES!

Dressing Up

I have been in the process of moving for about a month now. Ok, I'll be more honest- I moved the boxes in, but I just haven't really unpacked anything. This is especially true of my clothes. My everyday clothes are out. That means regular underwear, athletic socks, shorts, t-shirts, pjs. What has yet to be unpacked are... well, everything else- business casual clothes, going out clothes, sexy date clothes, lingerie, heels. Lately, I've had reasons to wear nicer clothes, so I had to dig in the box until I found something suitable, not bothering to unpack the rest.

Late this afternoon, as I was getting my second shower of the day, with the nicer clothes that I'd dug out of the clothes box laid out including matching bra and thong, taking down my hair to rewash it though it didn't really get dirty today, I started wondering why I was going through all this.

It would be much too simplistic to say that I was doing it to get laid. And it would also be a lie. Frankly, considering what I know about the person I'm going out with tonight, I could have just shown up in the dirt-covered t-shirt and sweats that I was wearing earlier and he still would have fucked my brains out. Granted, he might not have taken me out to a restaurant wearing that, but he still would have fucked me. Sex is pretty much guaranteed in this situation.

I have a friend who would argue that I was dressing for other women, that women in general dress to impress or make a statement to other women, as other women are always more critical than (straight) men. For a bisexual woman, this takes on sexual implications as well, but, generally, while I do not want to look "ick" to other women, I usually don't try to impress them.

In some ways, I dress for myself. Or, more accurately, my own self-esteem, self-confidence. When I wear something that I know I look good in, I feel like I own my man or woman, own the room, own the world. I know I look good so I don't have to wonder what the men or the women in the room think of how I look. I already know. And that feeling is why I dress up. That feeling is also what gets me laid. Or whatever it is that I have dressed up for. When someone else lets me know that they have noticed how I look in a positive way, that just pushes it up even more. If it comes from the person that I'm with, or the person that I want to be with, that just gives them extra points, because they were observant and smart enough to say something.

But I also made another connection along with this, or maybe because of this. (Assume a straight, committed couple here.) If the man will have sex with the woman almost anytime she brings it up, and will often pursue it when she has not, despite how horrible she might look at that moment (in her own opinion), she doesn't feel like there is anything special about looking one way or another. Not only are her outfits interchangable and irrelevant to her male partner, she might start to think that all women are interchangable and irrelevant to her male partner so she doesn't feel special at all. And, if she doesn't feel special at all, she might be more inclined to just let it all hang out, not to act or dress special, especially not for her male partner. This also brings up what seems to be the number one reason that women have affairs- to feel special and wanted by someone. Is it really that their male partner doesn't want them or think they are special? On some level, their male partners must want them, must find them more special than another woman, because they are still with them. He hasn't left her yet. And he probably sexually wants her as well. If she said the word, he'd be naked and ready asap. But she wants to be told and shown by someone different that she's not just interchangable with any and every other being with a vagina.

Ok, so I'm not really sure where this leaves us, me, but I do know that I'm hungry and there is a man waiting to take me out to dinner who I intend to have sex with afterwards. And I'll look damn good doing it all.